I went to some Halloween themed events and parties last weekend. I do not feel like writing reviews. However, I will mention that Spiralween sucked. I knew it would, but I went anyway. Note to self: remember to consult the Prizzo Skeezy when deciding what to do.
Carl Torbush needs to be fired immediately. Under his watch the Texas A&M defense, already ranked last in the Big 12 Conference, is getting worse. This week Torbush’s patented Pink Shirts defense performed worse in every category Propeller Skies tracks. The following statistics tell the tale:
This superlative performance came against Iowa State, which is ranked sixth in total offense and ninth in total defense in the conference. Making matters worse, this extremely poor performance by Torbush and the Pink Shirts occurred at Kyle Field in front of over 86,000 fans.
Unlike last week, the Aggie offense was unable to save the day. The rushing attack clearly got lost on the way to Kyle Field and missed the game. Passing was not any better, as Reggie McNeal had a hard time hitting receivers. Dennis Franchione should have pulled McNeal, who was clearly having an off day. The rank incompetence of Franchione and Torbush has become an embarrassment to the entire state of Texas.
Since motherfuckers keep abandoning wrecked cars in the parking lot of my ghetto fabulous apartment complex, I am going to start making fun of them on a regular basis. Therefore, I present the first Propeller Skies Safe Driver of the Week™:
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I estimate it will take the incompetent management of the ghetto fabulous apartment complex approximately six to eight months to get around to towing this piece. In the meantime, a perfectly good parking spot will be wasted.
Three years ago, Halloween was the best fucking holiday ever. Friday night, a crew of not yet recurring Propeller Skies characters and I attended the Wednesday Night Drinking Club party at The Mansion. That shit was superlative. We later took a cab over to Northside Tavern, where I did not get into a fight. After drinking our fill there, we took a cab back to The Quiet One’s apartment and left The Beaver, who was half asleep, on the couch. The Quiet One and I had a case of the mad munchies, so we headed to the Majestic and had some tasty food. Back at the apartment, we discovered Michelle making out in the parking lot with some random guy, dressed as a male stripper, who she had picked up at The Mansion.
Saturday night, we attended Brimstone Boogie at the Atlanta Brewing Company. As we got out of the cab, not yet recurring Propeller Skies characters Chris and Amy walked up dressed as a priest and a Catholic school girl, respectively. The beer was craptastic, but there was plenty of it for the twenty dollar cover. After drinking as much free craptastic beer as we could stand, we took a cab home and accidentally left my cracka Crunk B in the VIP. Motherfucker should have answered his cell instead of shoving his tongue down some bitch’s throat. Back to The Quiet One’s apartment we crashed. I woke up the next morning and found Crunk B sleeping in the cab of his truck with his robot costume neatly stacked in the back.
I do not remember Halloween two years ago.
Last year was mediocre. Rejection Hotline’s Halloween Hookup was fun, but Spiralween blew goats.
This year, Halloween is a fucking disaster. Wednesday Night Drinking Club is holding Scary Party Five at East Andrews. Fuck that. East Andrews is always packed full of fake ass $30,000 millionaires and obnoxious yuppie douchebags. And the staff there is a bunch of cunts. Brimstone Boogie returns to Atlanta this year with a load of bullshit. Twenty five dollars to get in and a goddamn cash bar? Fuck you, motherfuckers.
In contrast to the first Baller of the Week™ contestant, obviously a white kid from the suburbs who threw rims on his parents’ old Grand Cherokee, this Baller of the Week™ is serious. Behold a stunning example of a pimped 1980s Impala:
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Besides looking retarded, those rims are a bitch to clean.
Dear SonyBMG,
Nice try. It took me all of two hours to break the copy protection on Howl by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. For the record, I used off the shelf hardware and freely available software. No hacking required.
All I wanted to do was listen to my legally purchased music on my iPod. Unfortunately, SonyBMG, you are retarded and used copy protection incompatible with iTunes. This oversight on your part means I will no longer be buying any more compact discs produced by SonyBMG.
Sincerely,
Smoove D
Dennis Franchione needs to be fired for not sending defensive coordinator Carl Torbush to the unemployment line. While the Aggies as a whole have been underachieving this year, Torbush’s incompetence has resulted in the following stellar defensive statistics:
Part of the problem is the inability of the players to hit worth a damn. In the few games I have seen this season, it looks like the Aggies are afraid to tackle opposing players. Therefore, until the defense improves, I propose naming them the Pink Shirts. If anyone sees the Wrecking Crew, please give them a lift back to College Station, as they are sorely needed.
In contrast to the sorry defense, the Aggie offense is not last in the Big 12. With 474.3 yards per game, they are fourth in the conference. However, the combination of Reggie McNeal, Jason Carter, and Javorskie Lane should be shredding opposing defenses like Arthur Andersen shreds incriminating documents. With these three, the Aggie offense is capable of putting up closer to 550 yards per game. Instead, Franchione is pissing away the considerable talent of McNeal, Carter, and Lane with his retarded and predictable play calling.
I am disgusted that Franchione and Torbush remain employed. With the pathetic state of the Big 12 north, only the tea-sips should stand between the Aggies and a Big 12 championship. Instead the Aggies are barely winning close games and lost twice to bad teams. This is a shit state of affairs and should not be tolerated.
[For some slightly more fair and balanced Franchione commentary and decent game summaries see Fran Under Fire - Ed.]
Just because Reggie McNeal, Javorskie Lane, and the rest of the Texas A&M Aggies destroyed Oklahoma State on Saturday does not mean Dennis Franchione should continue to coach in Aggieland. However should Mr. Franchione continue this level of effort and defeat Texas Tech, Oklahoma, and TU I will grudgingly admit that Mr. Franchione can coach worth a damn. More likely, monkeys will start flying out of my butt.
Last year, the Great Decatur Beer Festival sucked more dick than Stephanie Swift. Therefore I did not attend on Saturday. When the organizers pass out real pint glasses again and bring the price back down to reasonable levels, say around twenty dollars, I might consider attending. Bloody fucking tossers.
Yesterday, I was thinking about three of my favorite things - beer, pizza, and naked women. Experiencing all three at once in the comfort of my own home would be awesome. Therefore, I am going to open a pizza shop and hire strippers to deliver pizza and beer.