[As Smoove is always right, we had to beat this confession out of him. No Apple employees were harmed in the making of this post. But that is only because none were in the vicinity - Ed.]
Dear Steve Jobs,
Go fuck yourself. Hard. In the ass. With a vibrator large enough for a brontosaurus. The biggest mistake I ever made was buying your piece of shit Iphone*.
99 problems, and patience ain’t one
The biggest fucking problem with the goddamn overrated and totally bogus Iphone is that IT TAKES FUCKING ETERNITY PLUS ONE TO DO THE SIMPLEST MOTHERFUCKING THINGS. A software update, which Microsoft can accomplish in three minutes with no errors, takes four hours on the Iphone. And do not even think about trying to surf the internet. The piss poor speed of the Iphone makes me nostalgic for 56k modems and dial-up internet.
Every time I try and use this piece of shit, I want to kill myself, as slowly as possible, because that would be more pleasant than waiting four months for the Iphone to download a web page. Seriously, do not buy an Iphone. Motherfucker is slower than a banana slug.
AT&T’s edge network is slower than a chevrolet cobalt with no gasoline up on blocks
AT&T’s bullshit EDGE network is so fucking slow it gets its own heading. Allegedly, EDGE is 2.5G, which is apparently slightly faster than a 300 baud Hayes Smartmodem. In contrast, I am typing this on my Windows PC with a Sprint EV-DO rev A broadband card, which streams internet porn perfectly fine. Suck it, AT&T. Did I mention AT&T’s wireless network is slower than an entire short bus?
just works, my fucking ass
“The Iphone ‘Angelique’ could not be updated, an unkown error ocurred (1602). ” 1602? What the fuck does that mean? Fuck you. At least Billy G. provides a fucking error message that includes the cause of the aforementioned error. Behold, a screen shot of the Iphone just working:
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eat shit and die, steve jobs
Steve Jobs deserves to be pegged by Hillary Clinton** and tortured in Guantanamo Bay until he dies a long, slow, and excruciatingly painful death for unleashing this incredibly sluggish piece of shit on the world. And do not think for a minute I will be purchasing one of his overpriced computers. Twice as much as a PC and one tenth as fast? No fucking way, cocksucker. And I bet they do not just work, either.
Sincerely,
Smoove D
p.s. I wrote this whole fair and balanced review and MY MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN IPHONE IS STILL NOT FUCKING DONE UPDATING!
notes:
* And I have made some big ones. A Pontiac Grand Am and a Jeep Grand Cherokee come to mind. At least they just cost me money and did not piss me off by taking six hours to update every other day and three weeks to download a fucking web page.
** Or any other man hating lesbian with serious anger management problems.
comments on “iphone: worst. motherfucking. goddamn. smartphone. fucking. ever.”
Cap'n Ken says:
Smoove D says:
1) True, but the only wifi available at while The Man is keeping me down is The Man’s. And the whole point of the Iphone was to get around The Man.
2) Because they cost half as much and do the same exact thing. It syncs flawlessly with my Palm, over Bluetooth even and same deal with my old Nokia, so I don’t understand what Apple’s problem is. But hell if I’ll buy a Mac just to sync my phone. Also, my venerable 40gig Ipod syncs fine as well.
Ruthie says:
Maybe you pissed off your phone my naming it “Angelique”? I could say more but I won’t.
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Damn, Smoove, you’re harsh. Seems like your complaints boil down to two truths:
1) AT&T’s network is slow as shit. Agreed, and that sucks. But find yourself some wifi and you’ll be all happy. Not the iPhone’s fault (though one could fault Apple for going with AT&T).
2) Looks like you’re rocking a Windows machine to manage your iPhone? I don’t know why anybody uses a Windows machine, but I’d blame Microsoft for your update problems. No problemo whatsoever updating, syncing, etc. my iPhone with my MBP.