Archive for the ‘Atlanta Sucks’ Category

four dollar a gallon gas huge disappointment

Monday, June 30th, 2008

Fortuitously, I managed to unload the Jeep of Doom™ at just the right time. Way back then, gasoline was selling for the unheard of price of $2.50 per gallon. Since I traded it in for an Acura RSX Type-S, the price of fuel has increased exponentially.

As background for Propeller Skies readers who are not familiar with the city I live in, Atlanta has a bit of a traffic problem. This is exacerbated by Georgia DOT and the goddamn City of Atlanta closing half the bridges inside the perimeter and rerouting traffic onto roads that were already congested.

As much as I hate paying over four dollars a gallon for premium gasoline, one benefit I was expecting from expensive fuel was the removal of poor people from the highways. Even though it is impossible to swing a dead chicken anywhere in Atlanta without hitting twenty seven luxury cars, removing the economically challenged segment of society should still result in a substantial decrease in congestion. Unfortunately, poor people can still afford gasoline at $4.00 per gallon. Therefore, I will be supporting a preemptive war on Iran and voting for John McCain. Certainly $20.00 a gallon gas will get them off the road and the fuck out of my way.

say yes to guns on marta

Friday, May 9th, 2008

The following video pretty much sums up why I would rather drive my Acura than ride MARTA - even if gas goes to $20.00 per gallon. Right now, Governor Perdue is considering legislation that will allow persons with concealed weapons permits to carry guns on MARTA. I think this is a fantastic idea. Please contact Governor Perdue or call 404-656-1776 to let him know that you do too. Together, we can make MARTA safer for everyone.

p.s. Due to overwhelming levels of spam, the posting of comments has been disabled. Possibly permanently. For the two people this affects, we here at the Prizzo Skeezy apologize profusely.

fucktard of the week™ - cobb county police

Friday, November 9th, 2007

This week, we have a very fucking special Fucktard of the Week™ feature. It all starts with the motherfucking goddamn tree hugging hippie environmentalist douchebags. Because these cocksuckers refuse to let agencies build any goddamn roads, there are no alternate routes in Atlanta. So, when the interstate is fucked, everyone is hosed.

Prior to rush hour, some ass clowns robbed a bank in Cobb County. Apparently the teller was smart enough to drop a GPS device in the money bag and the pigs tracked it down I-75. When the tracking device stopped moving, the genius Cobb County pigs closed ALL southbound lanes on I-75 during rush hour. Think that inconvenienced anyone? Next, the retarded pigs started going car to car looking for the money. Some fucking tracking device. I am not a rocket scientist, but I would bet the alleged crooks threw the GPS gadget or the money out the window and got the hell up out of Chrysler.

this just in:

From 11 Alive News:

“Police said a GPS unit that may have been in the bag of money that was taken was activated, leading them to search in that area.”

Good fucking job, Stephen Hawking - the device may have been in a bag and you shut down the entire fucking interstate inconveniencing tens of thousands. Fuck you. And fuck your mother and your mother’s mother in the ass with a cock big enough for a brontosaurus. And then rip out her eyeball and find someone with AIDS to piss in the socket. Assholes.

From the Atlanta Urinal Constipation:

“Police shut the southbound lanes of I-75 near Moores Mill Road in Fulton County while they searched car-to-car. The tedious exercise didn’t turn up the suspect…”

No, really? See the above comment about shit flying out the window. I can not fucking believe we pay good tax dollars for stunningly brilliant thinking like this.

One more quote from the Atlanta Urinal Constipation:

“Cobb Police Chief George Hatfield also questioned whether his officers should have taken the extreme measure of shutting down the interstate. He said he would call a meeting Friday to evaluate whether delaying thousands of motorists was the right call in the pursuit of a bank robber.”

A goddamn meeting? I will call a fucking meeting and shove my foot up your ass. What a worthless incompetent cunt-rag.

For fucktarded actions above and beyond the call of stupidity, we here at Propeller Skies recommend the following actions be taken immediately: Fire George Hatfield and any other officers involved in this bullshit.

fuck comcast in the ass with a cock big enough for an elephant

Monday, October 22nd, 2007

Alert Propeller Skies readers will recall I fucking hate Comcast. And judging by the comments, a few other folks do too. As I was bending over and getting cornholed by Big Brother, at the last minute as usual, Comcast crapped out on me*. Not wanting to file an extension because of balky internet service, I called Comcast customer disservice. After three hours on hold, they told me nothing was wrong with their infrastructure, so I scheduled a service call.

In the meantime, I borrowed some internet from a clueless neighbor and finished my goddamn taxes over an unencrypted connection. I then looked around the world wide web for alternate broadband services and found a few that were promising. I settled on Sprint and bought a card.** Even though plenty of internet denizens complained about Sprint’s coverage and poor customer service, their EV-DO rev A technology was far faster than Cingular’s bootleg EDGE*** service.

After easily installing my Pantech card and the Sprint software by my damn self (no douchebag technician or ridiculous eight hour window necessary), I confirmed the service worked and was indeed fast enough to stream video. I then called Comcast customer torture for the last time to cancel the service call and my (lack of) broadband service. The Comcast customer irritation representative cheerfully informed me there was no need to cancel the service call because the network problem was fixed and they canceled it automatically. Motherfuckers.

notes:

* Yes, I know this happened six months ago. Start paying me a subscription fee to read this and then feel free to bitch about the slow updates.
** Full review in the future. When I fucking feel like getting around to it.
*** More on this in the future too. Steve Jobs, what the fuck were you thinking?

snake nation represent, bitches

Monday, February 19th, 2007

Castleberry Hill sign in Atlanta, GA.  February 10, 2007.I hate Atlanta.

Every year, the fucking Braves choke in the first round of the playoffs. Despite all of Bernie Marcus’ cash, and Michael Vick, the Falcons never manage winning season. Even better, the Hawks have not won a basketball game since Christopher Columbus discovered America. The Thrashers get a pass, despite a distinct lack of playoff appearances, because hockey is awesome.

The metro area population consists of a never ending supply of chronically irritating $30,000 millionaires, clueless white trash, illegal immigrants, motherfucking goddamn baptists, and genaral dumbasses.

Traffic is ridiculous. However, the government refuses to build more roads - despite extorting a communist car tax on an annual basis from the long suffering citizenry. I guess Vernon Jones’ security detail is not free.

Liquor, beer, and wine are not sold on Sundays.

So I bought a place in Atlanta.

best bars in america

Tuesday, August 15th, 2006

So I finally got around to reading Esquire’s best bars in America issue. And Atlanta has exactly zero of the best bars in America. I sure am glad I live in Nevada.

silent kids play shane’s big ass party in east atlanta

Monday, June 12th, 2006

Thanksgiving day 2003. Smoove D is sitting in a filthy apartment [This is redundant, as Smoove's flat is always dirty - Ed.] at a desk buried under every piece of mail he has ever received. Smoove is busy downloading internet porn before heading to an orphan dinner put on by recurring Propeller Skies character Katt. Never mind that Propeller Skies does not yet exist. Two Sheds radio is playing in the background. “Tomorrow Waits” by the Silent Kids begins blasting out of cheap tinny computer speakers. Suddenly Smoove pauses Stephanie Swift and checks out their web site.

Three years later, Smoove receives an email invitation from the band’s mailing list to Shane’s Big Ass Party, at which the Silent Kids will be performing. Smoove has no idea who the fuck Shane is, so he invites a few friends and makes plans to attend the party.

Recurring Propeller Skies character The Beaver and I arrive at the party. I wander over and pour myself a beer. I glance at the tag on the keg and realize this Shane motherfucker is balling the fuck out of control. Crazy cracka bought kegs of Terrapin Rye Pale Ale. Bitchin’. We stand around and talk to some random people about everyone in Atlanta’s favorite topic - what we do for a living. Recurring Propeller Skies characters Katt and Chris show up. Chris proceeds to make friends with everyone at the party. I stand around and drink beer.

Silent Kids take the stage and I notice they have a few new members, including a smokin’ blonde bass player. The band plays about five songs and the motherfucking pigs show up. Despite this being an allegedly free country, Big Brother orders the band to stop playing. We leave. I recommend catching a Silent Kids show.

true american hero™

Monday, May 22nd, 2006

The second Propeller Skies True American Hero™ award goes to an alert citizen who recorded five corrupt DeKalb County pigs beating down an innocent man in front of Famous Pub. Reading between the lines of the Atlanta Urinal Constipation’s typically inept reporting, it seems that Captain O’Malley started a fight with unidentified Famous Pub Patron No. 1. When Famous Pub Patron No. 1 started beating Captain O’Malley’s bitch ass, the four other swine jumped in and viciously beat Famous Pub Patron No. 1. In the initial report, the five police lied like Bush, claiming they were breaking up a fight. Unfortunately for them, our hero caught their dumb asses on tape. I hope these five filthy animals go to jail and get cornholed harder than a little boy at a Michael Jackson sleepover.

As of this writing, Famous Pub Patron No. 1 has not come forward to press charges. This is a wise decision in a county where Sheriff Derwin Brown was ruthlessly assassinated third world style in a plot masterminded by the former Sheriff. The trigger man, and DeKalb Sherriff’s Deputy, Patrick Cuffey walked due to District Attorney J. Tom Morgan’s incompetent prosecution.

Read 5 Cops On Leave After Bar Fight.

flying biscuit sells out

Sunday, May 21st, 2006

Recurring and alert Propeller Skies readers will recall I have no love for the Flying Biscuit. A few days ago, I discovered the Flying Biscuit was selling out to Raving Brands while flipping through the worst paper in the country. Atlanta based Prizzo Skeezy readers will recognize Raving Brands as the owner of such craptastic chains as Moe’s, Shane’s Rib Shack, and Mama Fu’s. For Propeller Skies readers lucky enough to not live in this sorry excuse for a city, if Raving Brands brewed beer, it would have less flavor than Budweiser.

The irony inherent in a bunch of free range tree hugging hippies selling out to corporate America is funnier than Dave Chapelle. Now, the Flying Biscuit ain’t nothing but an organic Waffle House. I hear that in the draft version of the Raving Brands staff training manual, guest service team members will be required to have a minimum of 37 tattoos instead of wearing the usual buttons to meet the official corporate flair requirements. Final score - The Man: 1, Tree Hugging Hippies: 0.

collecting my car from east atlanta

Tuesday, May 16th, 2006

Smoove D exits Caribou and is standing across from Subway in a strip commercial center that looks exactly like every other plaza in the United States. A crackhead walks up.

“Are you into computers?”

“No.”

“Want to buy a touch screen [unintelligible]?”

“No.”

Smoove D continues on to East Atlanta, where he finds his car exactly where he left it the day before. All windows are intact and the wheels are still attached.