Propeller Skies

Recently, I reserved a premium car at Enterprise for a trip back to the old state. I made this mistake once before and received a shitty Ford Explorer. I did not count it against Enterprise, as the kind gentleman at the service counter mentioned the Passat I would have had was in the shop for electrical problems. Unfortunately, this was not a one off event and Enterprise issued me a steaming pile of goat dung in the form of a Dodge Durango.

performance (or lack thereof)

Conveniently, the roughly 10,000 pound Durango came with Chrysler’s weakest and most pathetic six cylinder engine. Because my travel itinerary included driving across the Appalachians and stopping in two cities with substantial hills, this was a complete disaster. Exacerbating the issue was the slushbox’s refusal to down shift as the truck lost speed going up inclines.

Steering feel was atrocious. I have been on sailboats that were more responsive.

Complementing the feeling free steering was a pillowy suspension, which made the SUV feel like it was about to tip over when provoked by the slightest change in direction.

Stopping power provided by the brakes was acceptable for a vehicle of this size, however advance planning was required.

positive characteristics

Lest the Prizzo Skeezy be accused of lacking fairness and balance, the Dodge Durango did exhibit the following good traits:

• Impossible to get a speeding ticket;
• Hauls a fuckton of crap; and
• Fun to drive across creeks.

inevitable conclusion

The Dodge Durango is not recommended. Even with the optional Hemi, this SUV would still be a dog, as simply adding more power would not address the atrocious handling. However, the Durango was useful on this specific trip for hauling several people around northwestern Pennsylvania and dragging loads of stuff at the same time. I still would have preferred the premium car I reserved.

Ed Voyles Acura provided me with a 2006 Acura TL 5AT as a loaner while my 2004 6MT was in for service. Driving a car exactly like mine, except minus a clutch, was rather surreal. I expected the slushbox would not be much different from my beloved whip. I was wrong. After enjoying the crisp responses of the manual transmission version for almost a year now, the automatic was like driving while trapped in a vat of gelatin. The trashmatic turns the Acura TL into a fogeymobile.

News of the 2007 Acura TL Type-S is under embargo until September 1st, but a paper in Boston fucked up and went to press already. I was looking forward to the Type-S and even thinking about trading in my 2004 Acura TL 6MT. Unfortunately, the ass clowns at Acura dropped a poser Type-S.

In the days of way back, the Type-S designation meant something. Like extra horsepower, and lots of it, a tighter suspension, nicer gauges, and a red badge on the trunk. All the 2007 Acura TL Type-S includes is a red badge on the trunk. I am extremely disappointed Acura did not up the ante with the 2007 Type-S. However, they had no problem raising the price.

What Acura fucked up:

• A distinct lack of horsepower - my grandmother’s Cadillac has more;
• Front wheel drive - fuck that, if I am paying for an “s” on the trunk, I want to powerslide that bitch around some clover leaves;
• Styling - weak sauce, Acura should contract with Ron Jon for a bad motherfucking body kit; and
• Price - at $39,000, who the fuck are they kidding? I would take a G35 coupe, IS350 6MT*, or even a poorly built 330i for that kind of cheddar.

What Acura got right:

• J35.

Notes:

* Rumor has it that will be available in 2007.

Last Saturday I took my whip in for its first service at Ed Voyles Acura. These guys, specifically Kevin and John, are top notch and earned the Propellers Skies seal of approval. I was out of there early and under budget. I highly recommend the service department at Ed Voyles Acura.

For the longest time, I thought Sex on Wheelz, by My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult, was about having sex in a car. Then I drove an Acura TL.

I highly recommend the TL with six speed manual gearbox*. The only thing Acura forgot to include is a hot blonde, like Samantha, in the passenger seat.

notes:

* Suckers that drive automatics get ripped off - the manual comes with big Brembo brakes up front and LSD.

Progressive made me return the Hyundai Sonata, because Nalley Collision could not be bothered to repair my Acura TL on time. The body shop rented me a Nissan Sentra to drive while they sat around jacking off instead of fixing my whip. Although diminutive and ugly (like all Nissans manufactured after 1999), the Sentra is a decent economy car.

The hamster providing power was weak sauce, but responded quickly when kicked in the nads by my right foot. Steering feel and handling was far superior to the Sonata and encouraged flogging the rodent in the engine bay. In contrast to the Sonata, which drank gas faster than a frat boy funnels beer, the Sentra averaged 32 miles per gallon.

I recommend the Sentra for broke ass short people.

In the days of my youth, my good friend Clear-Dogg owned a Hyundai Excel, which did not. One Sunday morning, I had the privilege of driving the aforementioned shoddily constructed and underpowered Excel from Rochester to Buffalo, because Clear-Dogg was suffering from a severe hangover.

After dropping my beloved Acura off at Nalley Collision, Enterprise picked me up and supplied me with a Hyundai Sonata. Because the automotive press has been ejaculating praise all over the redesigned Sonata, I was looking forward to driving it. Unfortunately, the automotive press is clearly on industrial grade crack. The Sonata has exactly two good points, which are:

1. It really is mid size; and
2. The head unit actually plays compact discs encoded with MP3s. Somebody at Acura needs to install this cutting edge technology in the TL.

During the decade or so since the infamous Excel was launched on unsuspecting Americans, Hyundai has managed to copy the reliability of Hondas and Toyotas. However, Hyundai still needs to work on duplicating some important features like a four cylinder engine with some damn power. In contrast to other economy cars I have driven, such as the Mazda 6 or Ford Focus, the Sonata would have trouble out accelerating a 1984 Dodge Caravan. The four cylinder version of the minivan.

Not only is the hamster on a wheel in the engine compartment lazy, he is a thirsty little fucker too. So far, I have achieved 22 miles per gallon with the Sonata. For those keeping score at home, that is precisely two more miles per gallon than I get in my Acura TL.

Another highly annoying feature of the Sonata is the serpentine automatic shift gate. Being forced to drive an automatic sucks enough cock, the irritating shift gate is really unnecessary torture. Car manufacturers need to step away from the focus groups and stop with this bullshit already. I suspect the asinine shift gate has something to do with the completely useless sport shift mode. In theory, this feature allows the car to be shifted like a manual. In practice, the Sonata shifts whenever the hell it wants anyway and takes fucking forever to do it.

Much to my surprise, the Sonata handles competently without excessive body roll. Not great, but much better than the Chevrolet Cobalt, which will make a true believer out of the most hardened atheist when attempting to go around a turn faster than the suggested speed on the yellow warning sign. In contrast, the steering reminds me of Pink Floyd - it is comfortably numb.

If anyone needs me, I will be crying myself to sleep because I know I have to wake up tomorrow morning and drive this motherfucking Korean shitbox to work. This should come as no surprise after the previous statement and the numerous paragraphs above, but I do not recommend the Hyundai Sonata.

The Fucktard of the Week™ and his insurance company finally returned a phone call, so my Acura TL will be going in the shop tomorrow morning for two weeks. Apparently, the bumper cover and fender will be hand painted by a team of highly trained Japanese monks whose productivity is measured in square centimeters per day. The monks are also in a union.

Since I love my Acura more than anything else in the world*, I decided to spend a little quality time with her this evening before she goes away. So I took the fun way up to an oxymoron and came back down a route The Professor showed me in the days of way back. The aforementioned route consists of a nice twisty two lane road lined with overpriced starter castles fronting like an old money enclave. Nothing beats the sound of VTEC echoing off the houses in bourgeoisie Atlanta subdivisions.

notes:

* Except maybe my internet porn collection.

I really wanted to replace my Acura RSX Type-S with an Acura TL, but I did not want to pay $34,000 for one. I figured a TSX would be a nice upgrade from the RSX Type-S at a reasonable price. The day after test driving a Lexus IS 250 I went to an Acura dealer on Cobb Parkway to drive a TL and a TSX.

Of course the dealership did not have a black on black 6MT non-navi TL. This did not stop the salesman from dragging me around the fucking freezing lot looking for one. Eventually, I agreed to test drive one with a beige interior, even though nothing screams AARP like beige leather. After finally going back inside, the salesman made me wait while he checked with his sales manager, in case someone was hiding a car matching my specifications up their ass.

The salesman returned and asked me what I thought of pre-owned. Being frozen and irritated, I was not feeling accommodating or cooperative, so I responded, “not much.” However, a black on black TL with a manual transmission had come in off a lease the day before, so I agreed to test drive it.

On the test drive, I noted the TL has possibly the slickest shifting manual gearbox on the planet, ass loads of power, more rattles than an eight year old Pontiac Sunfire, some torque steer, and decent handling. The suspension was a little soft, but some after market parts will fix that. Typical of Acura products, sight lines were excellent and I hade no trouble finding a comfortable driving position.

Once back inside, the salesman was extremely pushy and a general pain in the ass. He pissed me off to the point where I called the Lexus dealer while he was off “talking to his manager” and started walking out to drive down the street and buy the IS 250. After arguing over the price, the dealership finally agreed to what I offered. I got a decent deal, but not much better than what I could have done by just going to CarMax. However, CarMax had no third generation TLs with a manual transmission available in Atlanta.

After wrecking my Acura, I called in sick to work, collected my dope rental car, and started to surf the internet for a new ride. I was considering the following options [1] find another RSX Type-S, [2] upgrade to a TSX, or [3] ball out of control and upgrade to a TL.

I have not bothered to get cable or hook up my sweet rabbit ears to my television. Somehow, despite this lack of television watching, the motherfucking Lexus December to remember promotion was drilled into my brain. Like the model consumer I am, I stopped by the Lexus site to see what they had. Much to my surprise, they had redesigned the butt ass ugly IS 300 and come up with the IS 250 and IS 350. The IS 250 is underpowered with a paltry 205 horsepower, a whopping 11 more than the new Honda Civic SI. However, it fell within my price range and is available with a six speed manual transmission. So I applied for credit on-line.

The next day I took a short trip over to the dealership to test drive an IS 250. Unfortunately the only six speed on the lot was in the showroom, so I was stuck driving one with an automatic transmission. This was a critical error on the part of the dealer, as I came close to purchasing an IS 250. A sweet clutch and precise shifter probably would have sold me.

The dealer’s test drive circuit was one of the best I have ever been on, with plenty of curves and hills to really check out the car. Despite the pathetic horsepower and torque ratings, power was sufficient. The IS 250 really handled well with a tight but not punishing suspension and spot on steering. Rear wheel drive also helped the dynamic of the car. I had a hard time finding a good driving position, as the height adjustment simply did not go low enough. Another key issue is the dumbass headrest for the middle seat blocks the view out the rear window.

I went into the dealership expecting not to like this car. However, after driving it I found it very capable and upgraded it from curiosity to serious consideration. If one is considering the Acura TSX, I highly recommend checking out the Lexus IS 250. However, I did not purchase this vehicle.