Propeller Skies

After wrecking my Acura, I was issued a Mazda 6 to drive while the insurance company either [1] fixed my RSX (not likely), or [2] totaled it and sent me some cash money (what actually happened). A big Propeller Skies shout out to Hertz for being very accommodating.

The Mazda 6 handled fine and had a decent amount of power. However, I have a few complaints. I was extremely annoyed by the dipshit serpentine shift gate. What the fuck happened to going through P, R, N, and D in a straight line? Apparently some damn focus group told car manufacturers that was too easy, so they responded with unnecessarily convoluted automatic shifters. Second, the sight lines were awful compared to my late Acura and were not helped by the retarded ricer spoiler. Additionally, I had trouble finding a comfortable driving position. Overall, the Mazda 6 was a decent rental car. It was certainly as good as the Focus and light years ahead of the Cobalt. However, I do not recommend purchasing this automobile.

Growing up, I was enamored of fast cars. Thus, I viewed Ralph Nader as Satan incarnate due to his support of the completely moronic 55 mile per hour national speed limit.

A couple of weeks ago, I crashed my Acura RSX Type-S into a jersey barrier at approximately 65 mph, spun, and went back across the freeway. I had to apply the brakes to keep from hitting the other wall. Before all five readers ask, no, I was not drunk.

I walked away from the crash. If one is going to crash, I highly recommend doing it in a Honda product. I would like to thank Mr. Nader for promoting various safety features such as air bags, crumple zones, and seat belt pretensioners, which all worked together to save my dumb ass.

Here in America, we like to punish poor people for being poor. They deserve it for being too lazy to work or attain an education and better their lot in life. Our favorite ways to punish them are to pack them like anchovies into badly built crime infested housing projects and to produce really bad cheap cars. Natural disasters that disproportionately affect the poor are just an added bonus that proves God hates the poor too.

Last week, my beloved Acura was in the shop, getting the motherfucking window fixed again. Therefore, I was issued a Chevrolet Cobalt to drive in the interim. In contrast to the mediocre Ford Focus I had last time, the Cobalt is a total piece of shit. Fucking MARTA is more comfortable than a Chevy Cobalt. If the painful seats were not punishing enough, this damn car also has no power equipment whatsoever. No power windows, no power locks, no remote trunk release, and no remote keyless entry. On a positive note, it at least has air conditioning.

performance (or lack thereof)

This is almost the slowest car in the history of cars. Only my friend Clear-Dogg’s college car, an early 1990s Hyundai Excel had less power. Flooring the accelerator results in all 145 horses screaming in agony behind the firewall and a small increase in forward momentum. In contrast, my Acura accelerates better in sixth gear. And gets better gas mileage doing it. In comparison, the Focus accelerated slightly faster.

The suspension is a disaster. In contrast to the Focus, which was at least acceptable, the Cobalt feels like it is about to tip over when going around a freeway ramp at speeds over 20 miles per hour. I drove an SUV for four years that felt more stable.

The brakes do stop the car in a reasonable distance. However, pedal feel is abysmal and I am always surprised the car does come to a stop.

conclusion

The only thing GM gets right on this car is the silky smooth automatic transmission. I do not recommend this car. Anyone looking for a cheap car would be well advised to purchase a used Civic or Corolla. Maybe even a Focus, if buying American is a priority.

The following list summarizes the myriad reasons my Acura is better than any woman ever made:

1. It starts every time without protesting and requires only thirty seconds of warm-up;
2. The car responds to input quickly and without complaint or superfluous discussion;
3. Despite taking 91 octane gasoline, it is also much cheaper than a woman. An extra twenty cents a gallon is nothing compared to a Jimmy Choo habit;
4. My Acura is eminently predictable and never moody;
5. The vehicle never complains about stupid shit; and
6. The car is extremely low maintenance and should run to 200,000 miles without complaint.

Upon further reflection, my Acura may even be better than booze. However, that is a topic for another post.

I once wrote an email explaining why alcohol was better than women. I hereby take that back, my car is way better than both. I highly recommend the Acura RSX Type-S.

Growing up, our family automobiles were always bare bones. My father did not believe in modern conveniences such as air conditioning, power windows, or even power door locks. His theory was more gadgets on the car meant more items to break, which meant more stuff for him to fix. When my brother and I would complain about the massive amount of labor involved in actually rolling a window up by hand, he would regale us with a story about how his neighbor had power windows and spent every single Saturday fixing them.

I ignored my father, assuming that the real reason we never had power windows was they cost extra. All three vehicles I have owned featured power windows, because I am a fat lazy American who is for damn sure not performing manual labor to pick up my supersized combo meal from the drive through. Much to my annoyance, the window on my Acura rolled up crooked after a trip through the Chick-Fil-A drive through Friday morning.

This morning, when I dropped the offending vehicle off at CarMAX for repair I was issued a Ford Focus. As rental cars go, this one is pretty reasonable. In typical American fashion, the interior was clearly designed by fucking accountants. A plethora of cheap plastic all over everything attests to this. Additionally, it would not kill the Ford employees to take a class or two on interior design, because the front is very poorly laid out. Most importantly, THERE IS NO PLACE TO PUT MY IPOD! The front seats are all right, but no match for the sweet buckets in my Acura.

Much to my amazement, the Focus is reasonably powerful. Although acceleration is not as rapid as my Acura, the car does proceed forward hastily when the gas pedal is mashed with authority. In contrast, the Dodge products I find myself driving on business make an impressive amount of noise and leisurely pick up speed when floored. Handling is acceptable, and certainly better than the traditional American feel of a rolling couch. However, during spirited cornering the Focus displays massive amounts of body roll. This is likely due to the suspension being set on candy-ass. How Seth manages to put in respectable times rally crossing a Focus is beyond me.

I do not recommend the Ford Focus. However, to paraphrase the esteemed Cap’n Ken over at The Wisdom, this is not terrible for an American car, but who the fuck would want an American car? I should know, I have owned two out of a misguided sense of patriotism. Or maybe just stupidity.

I traded the Jeep of Doom™ in for an Acura RSX Type-S. This was not the car I intended to purchase, but it handled so well there was no other choice.

I will start with a brief list of items I do not like about the car.

1. The climate controls are chintzy and look like something that would be found on a Pontiac
2. The stereo is refined and comes with a nifty in dash six disc changer - which was relevant, in the dark days before Ipods
3. Unfortunately, the stereo could also use some more watts. This will eventually be remedied with some help from Phoenix Gold*

In contrast, there are several things that rule about this car. First, and very different from the truck I was driving, the steering is extremely precise. When the wheel is turned, the car immediately goes where pointed. Second, the suspension is excellent and well balanced. It is stiff enough to prevent body roll, but supple enough that driving over the metal plates used by the City of Atlanta to fix potholes does not knock the passengers into next week. Third, the styling of this car is extremely understated. For example, there is no bullshit wing on the trunk or goofy plastic body cladding to make it look fast. It just is fast. Fourth, the Acura RSX Type-S is not weighed down with useless equipment like power seats, ass warmers, or other dopey stuff intended to impress soccer moms. Finally, the sound of a VTEC engine at 7200 RPM is incredibly sweet.

This car is a precision machine - there is no slop in the steering, shifting, or even the climate controls. Quite a refreshing change from the American made vehicles I previously owned. However, Honda could improve this fine automobile by including REAR WHEEL DRIVE and a limited slip differential. Additionally, a drop top version would be swell. That said, I highly recommend the Acura RSX Type-S.

And one last thing - fuck all y’all broke ass motherfuckers who did not donate to the Smoove D Nissan Pathfinder Fund. Bitches.

notes:

* Update: I crashed the car before getting around to this upgrade.

Astute Propeller Skies readers will recall that just about a year ago, my Jeep Grand Cherokee determined third and fourth gears were unnecessary and proceeded to shred them. Conveniently, the transmission gave out in the middle of the Downtown Connector, which is similar to a sixteen lane NASCAR track except with Hummer H2s instead of stock cars. After spending two and a half weeks at the AAMCO shop on Northside Drive the Jeep was returned to me with an allegedly rebuilt transmission.

Six months later, the transmission died again on Lenox Road in the eight lane section between Georgia 400 and Piedmont Road. The Jeep was towed back to the AAMCO shop on Northside Drive where it was again allegedly repaired, this time under warranty. After picking it up, I drove it about two miles before it started acting up. Back to the shop it went.

Eventually, the transmission was repaired and the Grand Cherokee functioned normally for all of two weeks. The Jeep of Doom™ then needed a new power steering pump and several miscellaneous parts. Another two weeks passed the front differential seemed rather wonky. Yesterday, after taking six months to figure out what new car I wanted, I sold the Grand Cherokee.

This was a great truck until the transmission shit the bed. It handled great for an SUV and the four wheel drive was extremely capable. However, due to various, sundry, and expensive mechanical problems, I do not recommend Diamler Chrysler products.

Fantastic silver 2001 Grand Cherokee Limited V-8 with Quadra-Drive. Fully loaded. All yours for the low price of $16,500.

Or, donate to the Smoove D Nissan Pathfinder Fund by sending some loot to me via PayPal.