Propeller Skies

The Man that keeps me down has a large contract with AT&T, which means I have access to AT&T Premier. Theoretically, Premier offers a discount on phones. Unfortunately this discount applies only to phones no one wants. There is also a marginal break on plans, which for me works out to a couple of bucks a month. So Premier is not worth going to any extra trouble.

Activating the phone through Premier was even more of a pain in the ass than using Itunes to activate my Iphone. While the customer service representative answered promptly, was nice enough, and even spoke English, I wasted 20 minutes of my life getting the Blackberry Bold activated. Normally, while holding, I just put the person on speakerphone and continue surfing on company time. However, the AT&T Premiere customer service person felt the need to come on the line every two minutes, utter some vague phrase about updating my account*, and ask if I would mind holding for another two minutes. After the tenth time, this was pretty fucking irritating.

When the activation was finally accomplished, I discovered the Blackberry Bold sucks. AT&T’s return policy clearly states, “new equipment purchased directly from AT&T may be returned or exchanged at any AT&T owned retail store.” So, I stopped by my friendly neighborhood AT&T store with the intention of swapping the Bold for a 3G Iphone. Surprise! Equipment ordered through Premiere has to be mailed back. Fuckers.

After driving home, I called the AT&T Premier customer service line to arrange a return. Again, someone answered right away and spoke English. Unfortunately, I was put on hold every two minutes, yet again. This time, however, the excuse was different - the customer service guy needed his manager to come over and approve the exchange. I have no idea why, since AT&T’s clearly states, “If the equipment you purchased directly from AT&T does not meet your expectations, simply return it either to a store or by mail within 30 days from the date the equipment was purchased or shipped. ” Forty minutes of holding later, the exchange was finally approved.

This really should have been a simple process. I fail to see why the AT&T store was unable to trade out the Blackberry Bold for a 3G Iphone. That certainly would be what I expect of a service named Premier, especially since they do this for the plebes. After all this**, I have concluded AT&T does not actually want customers.

notes:

* I guess that is what they call pushing a button in this day and age.
** Granted, this was nothing compared to Comcast’s infamous customer disservice, but one would think Premier would go a little smoother and be extra convenient.

Alert Propeller Skies readers will recall that I hate my Iphone. So I eagerly anticipated the release of the Blackberry Bold. After voting Tuesday, I stopped by my local AT&T store, which had none available. So I ordered a Blackberry Bold from AT&T Premier. Friday, my Bold arrived. Unfortunately, the Bold is a piece of shit. After this experience, I am forced to conclude smartphones are still an immature technology. Because I need a smartphone, I am exchanging the Bold for a 3G Iphone.

browser battle royal: blackberry browser versus safari

I gave up my perfectly fine Nokia for a smartphone a year ago so I could trade stocks wirelessly while The Man keeps me down. Hence, the most important feature I need is blazing speed. After that, I require a web browser that can properly render pages and run Javascript.

The Blackberry Browser is unacceptable. In addition to being slower than a Q-tip driving a Buick in the left lane in Florida, the Blackberry Browser refuses to render the Optionsxpress site. Unfortunately, Optionsxpress is the one site I absolutely need the fucking Bold to render. The Blackberry Browser is completely hopeless, as I can not even see my positions, let alone trade. Fail.

Back to the lack of speed - the poor performance of the Blackberry browser makes AT&T’s shitty EDGE network look fast. What the fuck is the point of paying up for 3G and only acheiving EDGE speeds? I am beyond disappointed with the Blackberry Browser.

Hoping to salvage the Blackberry Bold, I downloaded Opera Mini. While Opera Mini solved the speed issue and did successfully render Optionsxpress, the lack of zoom levels between microscopic and fogey made the browser worthless. In full page view, the account positions screen was unreadable, but zoomed in, I was unable to see more than three columns - not nearly enough to be useful. I had a similar problem with the order entry screen, at a readable zoom level, the form and quotes would not both fit on the screen.

The Opera Mini interface for filling out forms is fucking terrible. When entering data, the browser opens a whole new blank screen. Both the Blackberry Browser and Safari allow data entry right on the page.

Safari is the motherfucking bomb diddy. I have yet to encounter a web page that Safari fucks up. Additionally, text on the Iphone is almost always readable and Safari has multiple zoom levels. Unfortunately, the Iphone suffers from slow internet syndrome, caused by AT&T’s hopelessly lame EDGE network of glacial slowness. I expect the 3G Iphone to remedy this problem, as I have played with The Photographer’s and speed is not an issue.

Total knock out: Iphone.

sms scrimmage: bold versus iphone

The feature I use almost as much as the internet is text messaging. While the Bold can send multi-media messages, a feature bizarrely absent from both Iphone models, the Blackberry SMS interface is not nearly as nice as the Iphone’s. Messages are stored in order, with a the sender’s name or number and a brief excerpt. While easier to keep track of than a steaming pile of random messages shown one at a time, this falls short of the Iphone’s interface.

Sending a message on the Bold requires two steps, which is unnecessary. After composing a message, the trackball must be clicked, bringing up a menu where the send option needs to be selected. This is a waste of time.

I absolutely love how the Iphone stores text messages by sender as conversations, with the entire text of each message shown. Sending messages on the Iphone is quick, as a send button is right on the touch screen where the message is composed. No wasted clicks.

Slight advantage: Iphone

operating system smackdown: blackberry versus iphone

The Blackberry Bold’s operating system reminds me of Windows 3.1 - while the home screen has pretty graphics, the rest of the icons and menus are plain and appear to be from 1991. Additionally, the Blackberry OS seems to be kludged together from various parts of operating systems past, unlike the Iphone OS, which maintains the same feel throughout.

In contrast to the cobbled together feel of the Blackberry OS, the Iphone OS is seamless. Everything works together and the interface is from the current century, with several nice graphical touches. Finally, the Iphone OS has plenty of shortcuts and time saving features, which make it easy to live with. For example, when using an application on the Iphone and a text message comes in, a dialog box with an excerpt of the text appears, with options to go to the SMS screen or ignore the message. Not so on the Blackberry. The active application must be exited and the SMS screen opened manually, wasting time.

Advantage: Iphone.

clash of the input devices: keyboard and trackball versus touch screen

I find the virtual keyboard on the Iphone perfectly fine when sitting still. In contrast, the Iphone’s virtual keyboard is impossible to use while walking and difficult to type on when riding in a car. One reason I was excited about the Blackberry Bold was the inclusion of a keyboard.

The Blackberry Bold keyboard is awesome. In contrast, the trackball fucking sucks. Even after cranking the sensitivity up to maximum, I still found cursor movement too slow, especially in the browser.

The touch screen on the Iphone is excellent. I especially like that navigation is quick, as is zooming. Making selections on the Iphone’s touch screen is much easier and faster than using the trackball on the Bold. However, as mentioned previously, I am not a fan of the virtual keyboard.

Advantage: neither. I really like the keyboard and form factor of the Blackberry Bold. An ideal smartphone would be the shell of a Bold with the guts of an Iphone, with a touchscreen in place of the weak sauce trackball.

phone skirmish: blackberry versus iphone

I hate talking on the phone, so this feature is the least important thing to me. However, I do occasionally need to use the phone, so I will compare the two here.

Call quality on the Blackberry Bold is excellent on both ends. While spending 40 minutes on hold with AT&T’s allegedly Premier customer service, I could tell no difference from a land line. The same held true on a half hour call with my brother. I had no idea AT&T’s network was that good.

The keyboard is a crucial advantage, as phone numbers can be dialed directly from the home screen on the Blackberry Bold. Additionally, contacts can be accessed from the home screen, a time saving feature I appreciate. Finally, the Blackberry Bold has a much better ringer - I can hear it, even when outside.

Iphone call quality is mediocre. I have to crank the volume to maximum anywhere with any background noise. Dropped calls are also an Iphone issue, prior to using the Bold, I blamed AT&T’s network.

Dialing a number using the Iphone irritatingly requires at least two steps - getting to the phone screen and then selecting the keypad. Same deal with contacts, which are only accessible from the phone screen. Finally, the Iphone ringer is useless, almost half the time I do not hear it and miss calls. The ringer is especially difficult to hear outdoors. Profiles might mitigate this, but strangely the Iphone lacks them.

Total knock out: Blackberry Bold.

conclusions

Sadly, the piss poor browser is a fatal flaw and even the excellent phone component can not save the Blackberry Bold. The Blackberry Bold is not recommended.

[As Smoove is always right, we had to beat this confession out of him. No Apple employees were harmed in the making of this post. But that is only because none were in the vicinity - Ed.]

Dear Steve Jobs,

Go fuck yourself. Hard. In the ass. With a vibrator large enough for a brontosaurus. The biggest mistake I ever made was buying your piece of shit Iphone*.

99 problems, and patience ain’t one

The biggest fucking problem with the goddamn overrated and totally bogus Iphone is that IT TAKES FUCKING ETERNITY PLUS ONE TO DO THE SIMPLEST MOTHERFUCKING THINGS. A software update, which Microsoft can accomplish in three minutes with no errors, takes four hours on the Iphone. And do not even think about trying to surf the internet. The piss poor speed of the Iphone makes me nostalgic for 56k modems and dial-up internet.

Every time I try and use this piece of shit, I want to kill myself, as slowly as possible, because that would be more pleasant than waiting four months for the Iphone to download a web page. Seriously, do not buy an Iphone. Motherfucker is slower than a banana slug.

AT&T’s edge network is slower than a chevrolet cobalt with no gasoline up on blocks

AT&T’s bullshit EDGE network is so fucking slow it gets its own heading. Allegedly, EDGE is 2.5G, which is apparently slightly faster than a 300 baud Hayes Smartmodem. In contrast, I am typing this on my Windows PC with a Sprint EV-DO rev A broadband card, which streams internet porn perfectly fine. Suck it, AT&T. Did I mention AT&T’s wireless network is slower than an entire short bus?

just works, my fucking ass

“The Iphone ‘Angelique’ could not be updated, an unkown error ocurred (1602). ” 1602? What the fuck does that mean? Fuck you. At least Billy G. provides a fucking error message that includes the cause of the aforementioned error. Behold, a screen shot of the Iphone just working:

eat shit and die, steve jobs

Steve Jobs deserves to be pegged by Hillary Clinton** and tortured in Guantanamo Bay until he dies a long, slow, and excruciatingly painful death for unleashing this incredibly sluggish piece of shit on the world. And do not think for a minute I will be purchasing one of his overpriced computers. Twice as much as a PC and one tenth as fast? No fucking way, cocksucker. And I bet they do not just work, either.

Sincerely,
Smoove D

p.s. I wrote this whole fair and balanced review and MY MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN IPHONE IS STILL NOT FUCKING DONE UPDATING!

notes:

* And I have made some big ones. A Pontiac Grand Am and a Jeep Grand Cherokee come to mind. At least they just cost me money and did not piss me off by taking six hours to update every other day and three weeks to download a fucking web page.
** Or any other man hating lesbian with serious anger management problems.

About a month ago, I joined the ranks of the doucheoisie and bought my ass an Iphone.

initial impressions

The coolness quotient is insanely high.

Setting up the damn Iphone was a nightmare. First, I had to wait forever to download a bloated new version of Itunes. Next, I swore at my computer while AT&T’s shitty activation page timed out twice during the set up process. After an hour and a half, I could finally make a call. Note to Apple: every other phone I have owned just worked the second I hit the power switch. None of this arduous set up bullshit. Steve Jobs is now just a low rent Bill Gates.

Already having an Ipod Photo, I figured the Ipod interface programmed into the phone would be pretty useless to me. Not so, I find it convenient to have my favorite tunes with me almost all the time.

The email features work well enough, however, this is not real push email like the Blackberry system. Also, every once in a while I am unable to send mail from my Yahoo! account on the Iphone.

the good

• Safari pwns - easily the best mobile browser ever;
• Google maps with traffic; and
• Text messages are stored as conversations.

the bad

• Internet over EDGE is slower than a motherfucking goddamn Dodge Durango. Seriously, what the fuck?*
• Syncing requires attaching the phone to my PC with an old fashioned cable, despite the fact that fucking Bluetooth is built into the motherfucking Iphone - syncing also takes for goddamn ever; and
• Fragile, I dropped it once from two feet off the floor and part of the touch screen went dead.**

to buy, or not to buy?

AT&T’s ultra slow EDGE network cripples the Iphone. At this time, the Iphone is not recommended.

similar products considered

I also looked at Blackberries, but since I was ineligible for an upgrade, one would have cost more than the Iphone. Treos were dismissed for a similar reason, along with their complete lack of coolness.

notes:

*Blackberries have 3G on real networks like Sprint and Verizon. Fuck AT&T. Bunch of bitches, anyway.
** The Apple store was kind enough to swap it out. Even better, the customer service person was a pretty slightly nerdy hottie.

Every now and again, the denizens of the Acurazine TL board argue over whether or not the optional navigation system is worth the $2,000 Honda charges for it. Recurring Propeller Skies readers can probably guess my whip has no rip-off navigation system.

Tom Tom recently released Navigator 6, so I picked up Navigator 5 on sale. I already had a Palm Tungsten T5, so I saved 190,000 pennies and got a better system than Honda provides.

the test

Over the last eight months, I have dragged Navigator 5 all over metro Atlanta (including OTP) and to the Southern Tier. I have used it in the car and on foot.

initial impressions

Overall, I really like the system, as it is easy to use and the maps are generally very up to date. Using the GPS, I have discovered several ninja routes for avoiding traffic. However, user discretion is advised, because the software does not know the location of economically challenged areas. On foot, the GPS leaves something to be desired - it often loses track of the direction of travel and is confused when sidewalks are located more than 10 feet from the curb. However, Navigator 5 is especially useful when wandering around shooting flicks - I never have any trouble getting back to my car or figuring out where I am in unfamiliar territory.

the good

• Wicked fast at recalculating routes - handy when the doughnut eating fools have closed roads for no apparent reason*;
• Portable; and
• The three dimensional map display and voice directions are supremely easy to follow.

the bad

• Does not understand more than one occupant needs to be in the car to use high occupancy vehicle exits;
• Takes for fucking ever to warm up and obtain a GPS signal; and
• Often won’t find addresses that clearly exist and have existed for some time.

why buy?

• Very easy to use
• Powerful - features include multiple stops on an itenerary, traffic, and a huge points of interest database; and
• Interfaces extremely well with Palm products.

notes:

* Every time a major event occurs at the Georgia Dome or World Congress Center, the fucktard pigs close a bunch of streets in downtown and Ghettoberry Hood so the tourists can enjoy sitting in legendary Atlanta traffic. Cocksuckers.

[Full disclosure: Smoove D received the Phillips Senseo machine for free, as part of a marketing scheme cleverly calculated to leverage the power of bloggers and other viral marketing techniques to spread the word about this product. Marketing floozies are encouraged to send free stuff for review (as long as Smoove gets to keep it). Make sure to send items that do not suck, as Smoove has loads of anger and will rip sub par products hardcore like a porno flick bitch - Ed.]

A few weeks ago, The Man was walking around the cube farm waxing lyrical about how excellent his friend’s Phillips Senseo machine was. Although The Man is a coffee snob, I was skeptical, as the whole idea seemed like a system designed by an evil marketing genius to sell expensive and repugnant coffee pods to idiot consumers.

About fifteen minutes later, I came across an advertisement on Evite promising a chance to win a Senseo for filling out a survey*. Because performance review time is drawing near and The Man is always in a better mood after a cup of coffee, I took the survey. The correct answers were supremely easy to figure out and a few days later an email arrived in my inbox notifying me that a free Senseo would be on the way as soon as I provided my shipping address. [Note to marketing floozies designing surveys - ask for audited numbers of unique site visitors, the spam bots are not going to be purchasing any coffee pods - Ed.] A month later, the Senseo arrived and I dragged it into the office.

the test

Because the company coffee tastes like stale goat dung, The Man enthusiastically unpacked the Senseo, cleaned it, and fired it up.

the good

Much to my surprise, the Senseo turned out to be very premium. Key things I liked about the machine include the following:

• Fast - within ninety seconds, the water was heated and after three minutes we were drinking fresh brewed coffee;
• Decent coffee - the Senseo medium roast is much tastier than our company coffee and very palatable, although not as good as premium fresh ground beans;
• Third party coffee pods are available for the Senseo;
• Easy to clean, which is important to a lazy slacker like me - just rinse out the pod holder; and
• Looks supremely cool - like something Apple might design.

the bad

I had an uncharacteristically difficult time coming up with items to complain about regarding the Senseo. However, I disliked the following things:

• The medium roast coffee pods we sampled are not as good as beans available from local coffee shops or even national chains; and
• The Senseo only brews eight ounces of coffee at a time - I require at least sixteen ounces of coffee.

why buy?

After trying it out, I concluded the Senseo, while nifty, is not for me. However, the Senseo is:

• Perfect for one or two people who are not serious coffee addicts; and
• A sweet accessory for a swank bachelor pad - I almost kept it for that reason alone.

notes:

* Apparently, internet marketing firms have bugged the office. This shit is getting scarier than the No Such Agency tapping everyone’s phones.